Indian Samurai इंडियन सामुराई

We (I) can say whatever we (I) want, complain about infrastructures, traffic and all, if there is one thing that has drastically changed in India in the last few years it's the air transportation...

When I see Delhi new airport (2011) and that I remember when I landed 7 years ago, waiting in the stairs for one hour for the passport check, the sordid exit door, at night, with hundreds of Indian guys pushing each other, I wonder whether I am still in the same country...

Bangalore airport (before)

Bangalore airport (after)

Delhi airport (after) 

For years, you wouldn't leave the counter where you get your boarding-pass without asking how much (and not if) delayed your flight was; and waiting for one or two hours was almost the norm. And now, any timing change or delay will be communicated by SMS or phone call (hence it is useful to have a local SIM card when traveling in India). There are still some troubles here and then (especially when you travel in winter to Delhi and everything is messed up because of the fog), but it is mostly to remind us of how it was before...

And here comes Mumbai with a new international terminal, along with the biggest public art gallery in India. I can't wait to see it!

During a visit to Madurai, in Tamil Nadu, while my colleague was tying up a jasmine garland in my hair, I asked him if the red mark on the forehead of his executive meant that he had made his prayer (see my note on the bindi here). He confirmed and added it was to make the day auspicious, and also that he himself used to do it but that he had stopped since he had become god. Become God ???  

Bah yeah, when he became a manager, and people started working for him and therefore he was providing them with a living, he is a bit like God for them. If we think further, I am also a goddess by the way. And our general manager too. That’s why, he explained, at every meeting, our guys carry him and dance with him in the air. They worship him as their God...  

That, and the rest of the year they break God’s balls!  

But still, we are far from the hatred of the boss encountered in other countries!

Questions People From India Are Sick Of Answering: 

1.     “What caste are you?” 

I have chosen to CASTE aside antiquated means of social stratification. 

NB from IndianSamourai: About the castes: post

 

2.      “How come your English is so good?” 

I’m from the country with the second-largest English-speaking population in the world. You? 

NB from IndianSamourai:Ok but English is a fluently spoken by less than 10% of the population! 

 

3.      “So, do you speak Hindu?” 

Yup, fluently. And I can say a couple of things in Muslim and Christian too. 

NB from IndianSamourai:Hindu is a religion, Hindi is a language (spoken by about half of the population, though it is the official language).   

 

4.      “Do people in India really sing and dance all the time like in Bollywood movies?” 

Totally. Just like people in America constantly get attacked by extraterrestrial forces of evil and then saved by leagues of superheroes. 

 

5.      “Will you get to ride an elephant at your wedding?” 

Can’t make any promises, but an elephant is pretty likely to be involved, yes. 

NB from IndianSamourai:Elephants actually still happen… Though horses are more common and now luxury cars. 

 

6.     “Cricket is just like…a lame version of baseball…right?” 

APOLOGIZE, TAKE IT BACK, AND NOBODY GETS HURT. This is a really wicket thing to say. 

 

7.     “Will you pleeeease cook me Indian food?” 

Nope, I will be doing absolutely naan of that. 

NB from IndianSamourai: Naan is a bread commonly used to pick up the food and it sounds like “none” with the Indian accent. 

 

8.     “Why would anyone get an arranged marriage?” 

Because it’s basically just the original OkCupid. Anything’s easier than dating, amirite? 

NB from IndianSamourai: A post coming on this topic soon! 

 

9.     “Do you ever get sick of curry?” 

Literally no. Primarily because a couple of other foods are also available to me. I do appreciate your curryosity, though. 

 

10.   “Can you teach me yoga?” 

I mean…I can try…but you’re probably better off, like…asking someone who knows yoga… 

NB from IndianSamourai: Yoga is not actually so commonly practiced in India; it has picked up lately in the metros after it became trendy in the West.  

 

11.   “And what’s that other holiday where you throw the colors? I love that one.” 

HOLI shit, you dumb. 

NB from IndianSamourai: Holi is a festival in March when people throw colours at each other. 

 

12.   “How come India is in Asia but you aren’t Asian?” 

Stfu, man. South Asians are Asians too. 

 

13.   “Are you Arab?” 

When’s your birthday? I know what I’m getting you. 

 

14.   “I’ve heard it smells awful. Does it smell awful?” 

You smell awful. And racist. You smell racist. 

NB from IndianSamourai: I have to say, you encounter many “funny” smells… 

 

15.   “Everyone basically does tech support, yeah?” 

Yup, 1 billion people, all day every day, answering phone calls from America. 

 

16.   “Do you only eat spicy food?” 

Ya, all my taste buds were singed off at birth so now I can’t taste food unless it’s doused in hot sauce. So glad someone understands.

 

17.   “Are you ALL vegetarian?”

… NB from IndianSamourai: See: post 

 

18.   “But you actually do pray to cows, right?” 

I’m praying to a cow right now, asking that you leave me alone. Moooove, bitch. 

NB from IndianSamourai: Ok but they DO worship cows!! See: post 

 

19.   “Why do you need sooo many gods?” 

They give me the patience and spiritual fortitude to keep from punching ignorant people. 

 

20.   “Hey, can you help me with this math?” 

I don’t even know enough math to count all the racist assumptions you’ve made today. 

 

21.   “Omg I love saris! Can you teach me how to tie a sari?” 

Yeeees! After that, let’s paint our nails and give each other bindis and do each other’s hair and stay up all night talking about cultural appropriation! 

NB from IndianSamourai: I was asked by my French dentist whether I was going to work in a sari so I guess it is a justified question. Let’s say that in “corporate” India women don’t really wear saris anymore though they still wear often salwar-kameez (a tunique with some kind of leggings or loose pants). 

 

22.   “No offense, but like…what’s the third world like?” 

I rode an elephant to school every day and Mowgli was my classmate. 

 

23.   “Have you ever ridden on top of a train?” 

Only when my elephant was broken and my camel was at the garage. 

 

24.   “It’s basically just like Slumdog Millionaire, right?” 

100%. 

 

Source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/questions-people-from-india-are-sick-of-answering