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04/22/2014

The Indian wedding for Dummies - 5. Life with the in-laws

The "Indian wedding" (I should say the Hindu wedding to be exact) has made the subject of numerous books, movies, visits to India. In short it’s an institution. I will try here to understand something to it!

Once all the ceremonies of the marriage are completed, the bride goes up to the threshold of her house (where traditionally the wedding takes place) with relatives and throws a handful of rice and coins over her head, as a symbolizing of “paying back” for what her parents have done for her as well as her best wishes for prosperity to her former household. Similarly, the car in which she sits with her husband is pushed by the family and covered with money to keep away the evil eye.

After that, she fully becomes a member of her in-law family: she goes to live with them, she is invited to call the parents mum and dad (which is simply inconceivable for Europeans). In some communities, she even changes her first name for one selected by her new family, sometimes even for the female version of the husband’s name! Like that you make sure there is a clean slate of the past... Though I must say, there is often much more to look forward than backward as in the villages (where more than 60% of the population live), girls are married on average at 16.

Life in the joint families (extended families where several generations live under the same roof and especially (this is the very principle) share food, worship and property)) is not always easy. Take my friend for instance: she married into a very rich family and yet was not allowed to go out unaccompanied after sunset...

I must admit that the joint families system is very practical, more economical, with in-house babysitters and papysitters etc, but it doesn’t really encourage personal development...

Economic growth (and for example the creation of new jobs* with children not embracing their father’s career and having to be geographically mobile, or the women's access to education and employment) is accompanied by socio-cultural changes, including the decline of the joint families system and the rise of nuclear families (63% in urban areas) and 59% (in rural areas) (source).

In the joint family, the daughter-in-law has to deal with the mother-in-law, saas, which is an icon in India; it’s recommended not to read too much on the topic because it's just super scary! Half of the soaps feature the tyranny exerted on her daughter-in-law, a kind of revenge for what she herself suffered from her own mother-in-law and all the men of the family! (source)

Anyway tyranny happens only when they live! If the parents cannot afford the dowry they committed to, things can heat up pretty bad... In 2012, more than 8,000 women were murdered for this reason; a popular technique is throwing acid or an accidental fire in the kitchen.

And to top it all, even if the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law share a good relationship, the first will have to deal with the mother-son relationship, which, in India, is of the same ilk as with Jewish or Italian mothers. I once read that “since Indian women cannot marry the perfect man, they make him”. Good luck to keep the kid on Earth! And what expectations, what pressure he has to deal with!

04/20/2014

The Indian wedding for Dummies - 4. Rites and ceremonies

The "Indian wedding" (I should say the Hindu wedding to be exact) has made the subject of numerous books, movies, visits to India. In short it’s an institution. I will try here to understand something to it!

So here is how it goes – in broad lines and in general (as there are significant differences according to regions and castes).

1.       The talking and the seeds

The groom must begin by making a vow of sainthood (brahmacharya) and refusing the marriage. The father of the bride must then convince him to give up this idea and to marry his daughter.

The said daughter sews then 9 seeds in earthen pots in time for them to have germinated on the D day; this is the symbol of fertility in marriage. Simultaneously she invokes the goddess Gowri Devi, an icon of the ideal woman.

2.       The Tilak ceremony

Traditionally, the father and other males of the bride’s family go to the guy’s house and, so as to seal the deal, they apply a dot of vermilion paste on his forehead (tilak) then offer him some gifts. In return, he will send presents to his future in-laws.

3.       Betrothal and sagai

During the betrothal/engagement ceremony, gold rings are exchanged.

During sagai, sometimes performed along with the engagement, the mother-in-law offers jewelry, clothes, make-up and baby toys. It is the time of setting the wedding date.

4.       Sangeet (traditionally a North-Indian custom)

The women on the bride’s side gather with music, dancing, gossiping and snacks.

5.       Pitthiand Mehndi

The woman (and also the man if he wants to) is covered with a paste of turmeric, chick-pea flour and water or oil, in order to be purified and have a beautiful skin on the D day.

Follows the henna painting on the hands and feet (mehndi). According to some belief, the darker the  henna the more the husband will love his wife; and according to the tradition, the woman should not step out of the house after the mehndi is applied and only resume housework once it has faded.

6.       The arrival of the spouses

india,marriage,wedding,arranged marriage,forced marriage,love marriage,rites,ceremonies,rituals,divorce,sheet,mehndi,henna,baraat,sex,incompatibility,contract,classifieds,matrimonials,matchmaker,nayan,astrologers,horoscope,marry a tree,marry a pot,auspicious,date,joint family,kama sutraThe groom must arrive with great fanfare (baraat), on a horse or an elephant or in a car luxury, to the sound of drums and trumpets, with a procession of relatives dancing. Upon arrival, the mother-in-law receives him by putting a tilak on his forehead, waving a tray with fire under his nose to chase the evil spirits away and then he takes place on stage where he waits for the bride. When she arrives, she tries to pass a garland of flowers around his neck (I say try because the groom’s friends, to tease her, prevent her from doing it for some time). Finally he has a garland, and he returns the favor to her and everything can start. This doesn’t fit in too much with the sheet story below but well...

7.       Mandap, or the marriage itselfindia,marriage,wedding,arranged marriage,forced marriage,love marriage,rites,ceremonies,rituals,divorce,sheet,mehndi,henna,baraat,sex,incompatibility,contract,classifieds,matrimonials,matchmaker,nayan,astrologers,horoscope,marry a tree,marry a pot,auspicious,date,joint family,kama sutra

We arrive finally at the point where the priest will perform his rituals. Are present on the stage the bride, the groom and their parents. The other guests are free to attend but usually enjoy their time, talking and eating.

To be short, during the mandap, here is what happens: after a prayer for Ganesh, the groom is regarded as an incarnation of the God Vishnu and worshipped as such. The bride, adorned with gold, is offered by the father as a wife to Vishnu. The hands of the spouses are joined to symbolize the union but they are still separated by a bed sheet and can not see each other. Over the cloth, they place on the top of each other’s head a paste made from cumin seeds and jaggery (dough having with a positive energy) and the curtain falls!

The groom then tie a rope made of grass around the waist of his bride, to support her in her new responsibilities (apparently Hindus are used to tie a rope around their waist to protect their spine in the effort). He will untie it at the end of the mandap.

 

india,marriage,wedding,arranged marriage,forced marriage,love marriage,rites,ceremonies,rituals,divorce,sheet,mehndi,henna,baraat,sex,incompatibility,contract,classifieds,matrimonials,matchmaker,nayan,astrologers,horoscope,marry a tree,marry a pot,auspicious,date,joint family,kama sutraHe passes around her neck a necklace with two pendants in gold (Mangalya), one given by the father and the other by the father-in-law. This sacred necklace represents the commitment, protection and security offered by the groom. He ties the necklace with three knots. Then the scarves of the spouses are knotted together, symbol of the eternal bond.

A bit of fun then: the bride and groom spread on each other rice mixed with saffron and turmeric, before Homam, the ceremony of the Holy Fire: seven small rounds around the fire.

Finally, the groom takes his wife’s left foot and places it on a stone (“be as strong as this stone and don't let the tribulations of life take you down”) and passes silver rings (mettelu) on her toes. They look at the stars together while being reminded that they must lead a life as stable as the stars.

They break the fast by feeding each other. And ghee (some kind of fat) is offered to feed the fire.

There are a lot of other customs, sometimes very funny: when the bride’s family steal the groom’s shoes and he has to bargain to buy them back, when the bride’s brother twists the ears of his brother-in-law to guard him against bad behavior or has to wash the groom’s feet, the fact that after walking around the fire bride has the right to sit on the left of her husband, closer to his heart, or the exchange of coconuts (symbol of fertility) between married couple in some communities etc.

Throughout the wedding there are obviously many buffets (with or without alcoholic, depending on the religion, caste, families) and dances! But there again, it also depends on the region. The “Bollywood weddings” are mostly performed in the North (Punjab) while people in the South (especially in Kerala) are less lavish, less loud, simpler (the important thing is to eat well!)…

Sources: http://suravajhala.hubpages.com/hub/Hindu-marriage-secret... ;http://www.culturalindia.NET/weddings/wedding-rituals/; http://www.thecultureist.com/2013/05/31/vivaah-traditional-Indian-wedding-ceremony-rituals/

04/18/2014

The Indian wedding for Dummies - 3. Some figures

The "Indian wedding" (I should say the Hindu wedding to be exact) has made the subject of numerous books, movies, visits to India. In short it’s an institution. I will try here to understand something to it!

Once we understand the importance of marriage, not as the union of two people who are in love but as the alliance of two families who share an interest (socially, economically), we understand that people don’t go half-way for this very social event.

In India, more than 15 million marriages take place every year, or 300,000 on each auspicious day (in addition to individual horoscopes, Hindu can marry only on certain dates, less than 50 in the year, which creates some logistic problems, especially to rent wedding halls; for those who live above a slum (as yours truly) and are interested to know when planning a night out to avoid becoming crazy at the sounds of the drums, see this website).

People (mostly the bride's family) spend between 20 and 100% of their savings on a wedding, which costs in cities between 40,000 and 120,000 euros (source)

On the podium of the most expensive weddings in the world, the silver medal goes to Subrata Roy  with a small 132 million dollars in 2004 in Lucknow (source); for the story, at the time of writing, Roy is in jail because his company, Sahara, owes $500 million to investors, and his bail is set at half this amount... That guy has missed the chance to save some money and be low profile!

Between 100 and 10,000 people (on average one thousand) come to the wedding, but in general they don’t attend all the ceremonies.

I have even seen posters inviting the entire neighborhood to join: this illustrates the importance of social appearances, the more guests you have the richer! (This is how Roy fed more than 100,000 beggars on the wedding day of his sons!) Remember that this is THE event of a lifetime! And it is an event of great social importance.

Due to the desired lavishness and the number of ceremonies, Hindu weddings are spread over several days, between 3 and 7 in general. Hence the exorbitant cost and incredible logistics for the preparation: on each occasion they need different clothes, a buffet (in general everything is paid for the guests, including the hotel, and they even receive gifts) etc.