Indian Samurai इंडियन सामुराई

Signs You’re French At Heart

“Whether you’ve lived there, studied there, or recently watched the Family Guy episode where Lois goes to Paris. Let’s face it, we all want to be Français.” 

1.     You drink entirely too much red wine because its “cheaper than water.”

2.     You’ve watched Jules et Jim and/or 400 Coups in its entirety on youtube.

3.     You’re over cupcakes, and have been ever since you tasted a macaron.

4.     Your César-watching parties are attended primarily by you and your cat Pierre.

5.     You still regularly reference the French Revolution when discussing politics.

6.     Drinking coffee on the go is personally offensive.

7.     You pronounce “Le Pain Quotidien” the RIGHT way and your friends are really fucking annoyed every time.

8.     Verb conjugations get stuck in your head instead of Miley Cyrus songs.

9.     You give unsolicited advice to French tourists you overhear on the subway just so you can break out your best Fraccent.

10.   You knew Vincent Cassel way before he finger banged Natalie Portman on Black Swan.

11.   Macaroni and Brie sounds like a good idea.

12.   Netflix suggests “Mind Bending, Depressing, Existential Foreign Films” to you on a nightly basis.

13.   Biking is best in high heels and dress.

14.   You WILL NOT choose between Lea Seydoux and Melanie Laurent.

15.   Les Miserables was a book first, then a musical, THEN a movie.

16.   You watch your favorite TV shows with French subtitles, just for funsies.

17.   July 4th is significant because it means only 10 more days until Bastille Day!

18.   Your attempt at a classic bob haircut just made you look like an aging Bon Jovi.

19.   A cigarette counts as lunch, RIGHT?!

20.   You pretend that eyesore cell phone tower was left over from the 1889 World’s Fair.

21.   Low carb, shmow carb.

Source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/sarahdunn/signs-youre-french-at-heart

Questions People From India Are Sick Of Answering: 

1.     “What caste are you?” 

I have chosen to CASTE aside antiquated means of social stratification. 

NB from IndianSamourai: About the castes: post

2.      “How come your English is so good?” 

I’m from the country with the second-largest English-speaking population in the world. You? 

NB from IndianSamourai:Ok but English is a fluently spoken by less than 10% of the population! 

3.      “So, do you speak Hindu?” 

Yup, fluently. And I can say a couple of things in Muslim and Christian too. 

NB from IndianSamourai:Hindu is a religion, Hindi is a language (spoken by about half of the population, though it is the official language).   

4.      “Do people in India really sing and dance all the time like in Bollywood movies?” 

Totally. Just like people in America constantly get attacked by extraterrestrial forces of evil and then saved by leagues of superheroes. 

5.      “Will you get to ride an elephant at your wedding?” 

Can’t make any promises, but an elephant is pretty likely to be involved, yes. 

NB from IndianSamourai:Elephants actually still happen… Though horses are more common and now luxury cars. 

6.     “Cricket is just like…a lame version of baseball…right?” 

APOLOGIZE, TAKE IT BACK, AND NOBODY GETS HURT. This is a really wicket thing to say. 

7.     “Will you pleeeease cook me Indian food?” 

Nope, I will be doing absolutely naan of that. 

NB from IndianSamourai: Naan is a bread commonly used to pick up the food and it sounds like “none” with the Indian accent. 

8.     “Why would anyone get an arranged marriage?” 

Because it’s basically just the original OkCupid. Anything’s easier than dating, amirite? 

NB from IndianSamourai: A post coming on this topic soon! 

9.     “Do you ever get sick of curry?” 

Literally no. Primarily because a couple of other foods are also available to me. I do appreciate your curryosity, though. 

10.   “Can you teach me yoga?” 

I mean…I can try…but you’re probably better off, like…asking someone who knows yoga… 

NB from IndianSamourai: Yoga is not actually so commonly practiced in India; it has picked up lately in the metros after it became trendy in the West.  

11.   “And what’s that other holiday where you throw the colors? I love that one.” 

HOLI shit, you dumb. 

NB from IndianSamourai: Holi is a festival in March when people throw colours at each other. 

12.   “How come India is in Asia but you aren’t Asian?” 

Stfu, man. South Asians are Asians too. 

13.   “Are you Arab?” 

When’s your birthday? I know what I’m getting you. 

14.   “I’ve heard it smells awful. Does it smell awful?” 

You smell awful. And racist. You smell racist. 

NB from IndianSamourai: I have to say, you encounter many “funny” smells… 

15.   “Everyone basically does tech support, yeah?” 

Yup, 1 billion people, all day every day, answering phone calls from America. 

16.   “Do you only eat spicy food?” 

Ya, all my taste buds were singed off at birth so now I can’t taste food unless it’s doused in hot sauce. So glad someone understands.

17.   “Are you ALL vegetarian?”

… NB from IndianSamourai: See: post 

18.   “But you actually do pray to cows, right?” 

I’m praying to a cow right now, asking that you leave me alone. Moooove, bitch. 

NB from IndianSamourai: Ok but they DO worship cows!! See: post 

19.   “Why do you need sooo many gods?” 

They give me the patience and spiritual fortitude to keep from punching ignorant people. 

20.   “Hey, can you help me with this math?” 

I don’t even know enough math to count all the racist assumptions you’ve made today. 

21.   “Omg I love saris! Can you teach me how to tie a sari?” 

Yeeees! After that, let’s paint our nails and give each other bindis and do each other’s hair and stay up all night talking about cultural appropriation! 

NB from IndianSamourai: I was asked by my French dentist whether I was going to work in a sari so I guess it is a justified question. Let’s say that in “corporate” India women don’t really wear saris anymore though they still wear often salwar-kameez (a tunique with some kind of leggings or loose pants). 

22.   “No offense, but like…what’s the third world like?” 

I rode an elephant to school every day and Mowgli was my classmate. 

23.   “Have you ever ridden on top of a train?” 

Only when my elephant was broken and my camel was at the garage. 

24.   “It’s basically just like Slumdog Millionaire, right?” 

100%. 

Source: http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/questions-people-from-india-are-sick-of-answering